Crazy Pills.....

For the past several months, I have been working on my emotional stability.  It's been going incredibly well.  Work is little to no stress thus far, but other factors in my life are starting to creep in.  I am trying really hard to keep my head on straight.  I am feeling a little better about that after this weekend.  I find it extremely hard to open myself up to new situations.  I love all of my friends, but how much should I take their opinions of other people to heart?  Especially people who are more of a social group, than close friends?  I am not really sure how much I should base my decisions on the thoughts of others.  I tend to be more forgiving than others, but how much is too much?  How can I trust that I am making the right decision, and that I am not digging myself into a hole that I won't be able to get out of?  I don't want advice.  If I did, I would have already heeded the advice that has already been given.  I just need to say it (or write it), out loud so I can make sure my rational thought process is still in tact.  I've been seeing someone new, who I actually really like.  Normally, by now, I would have gotten annoyed and made an excuse to ditch.  But, I haven't done that this time.  This is the first time in a VERY long time that that has been the case. No one has made it past date three in 2 years.  This frightens me, because I know that this opens me up to the possibility of being hurt.  I don't want to be back in that place, but I can't hide in my shell and expect to meet possible companions without putting my whole self out there.  This is what I know about me:  I am sometimes stubborn, but I will ALWAYS admit when I am wrong.  If I do act over-protective and overstep my bounds, I will apologize, but explain myself.  I will never tell you something that I don't genuinely mean, and I won't sugar coat things to make another person, or myself feel better, but I will say it in the kindest way possible.  I am a lover, not a fighter.  I won't confront you, but I will go off in a corner and have a good cry, and if I do confront you, regardless of circumstance, I will feel guilty about it, and probably end up apologizing, even if it is unwarranted.   I am a sensitive soul, who is working on growing a thicker skin, but I like it that way.  I have self-image issues, but I try not to let them show.  When I do, it is usually in the form of humor, even when someone else says something that hurts my feelings.  I deserve someone who will treat me kindly, and will be in an even playing field relationship.  I believe is equal roles and going dutch.  I want to have someone take care of me, and I take care of them.  I want a partner in life, and not have to take on a care-taker role alone.  I want to feel just as loved as the amount of love I give to someone.  I don't ever want to be the one that loves the other person more.  I know what I want from life, and I don't think I can settle for anything less.  When it comes to dating, I would chose a person off "The Island of Misfit Toys", rather than go for a toy in perfect condition.  Imperfections are what make us human, and it's the imperfections that I find most endearing in people.  That's what I know about myself.  I just hope that I can convey this, and still keep the image of what I want from life.  I doubt the person I am writing about is reading this, but if he is, I will say this:  I like you the way you are, imperfections and all.  Hopefully the feeling is mutual, and I am glad that we have open dialog when things are bothering us.  Even though I have known you a short while, I definitely feel connected to your thought process.  You are smart and capable, and I wish you believed in yourself more than you do.  I hope that I can encourage and support you, and that you can do the same.   Don't let your past rule your future.  I promise that I will try my best not to do this as well.  Be kind to yourself....you are more than you let yourself be.